Southern Hospitality

So my new adventure began with a date last night with a self-proclaimed "Southern Gentleman." We met and communicated through Chemistry.com (this was my first time using this site after trying the likes of eHarmony). His eclectic background intrigued me...he grew up in the south but had spent several years living overseas and has been settled in the Boston area for the last few years.

When we both arrived I think we were both pleasantly pleased with each others' physical appearances. He was nice and tall and very good looking. He certainly had the southern charm going on; holding doors open, taking off my coat, and pulling the chair out for me. On the surface everything seemed to be going just fine. Our conversation was pleasant, we laughed at each others jokes, and we seemed to have quite a bit in common. Chemistry is a funny thing though (the feeling...not the website). I couldn't help but feel that I was auditioning for him. He didn't seem the least bit concerned how I felt about him...it was all about if I fit into what he was looking for.

It didn't dawn on me until the end of the date when things seemed to end very abruptly that I might not have passed his test. We left the bar and said goodnight, neither of us indicating that we would like to see each other again. But as a girl who has faced a lot of rejection in the last two years, I was more worried about why he didn't seem to like me; why wasn't I what he was looking for? I replayed parts of the conversation in my head thinking what I could have said that was wrong. After 12 hours of over analyzing (11 1/2 hours too many), I realized that I should be evaluating the date based on what I felt about him and if I would want to see him again.

And the funny thing is, I really couldn't picture this guy in my life in any way. While spending only 3 hours with him I already felt the sense that he was looking for a "perfect" woman and that would be way too much pressure for me to feel "on" all the time. I couldn't picture him interacting with some of my friends, going to a hole-in-the-wall restaurant to grab dinner, or to go see a live show at a local dive bar. I couldn't pictures his shiny, new expensive car sitting in my driveway while we hung out in my quaint little apartment for an evening. And as much as I like sophistication and culture and have an eye for the finer things in life, it's not exciting enough for me to do everyday. I like variety. I am adaptable and like to mix things up and be in different environments. Quite honestly, he was a little too snooty for me.

So lesson #1 was a valuable one. I need to stop evaluating dates based on whether or not the guy ends up liking me. Obviously it's important if I really am interested in a 2nd date that the guy finds me likable. But I need to try to see beyond whether or not he has a cute smile or nice eyes to see how I feel, see if there is enough there for me to want to learn more. If I had listened to my own head at the end of the date I would have walked away seeing it for what it was - a nice evening out having pleasant conversation over a glass of wine - and saved myself a few hours of agonizing about what I am doing wrong in the dating world. Hopefully I will remember this lesson after the next date I go on.