From Russia with Love

I just had an intense few dates with a man from Russia. We went out 3 times in 5 days. I don't know if it was a coincidence or if it's because we are both Geminis but I felt like our brains worked the same way. The conversation never got too personal but we talked a lot about people, religion, politics, and just our world-views in general. Even though we didn't necessarily have the same personalities I could tell during our conversations that we had a lot of the same thoughts. It was a very unique experience to go through and because of that I really enjoyed talking with him.

I was getting a very strong gut feeling though that things wouldn't work out between us. He didn't seem like the kind of guy that was looking for a commitment. Plus even though it's fun having a conversation with somebody very much like myself, and sometimes it can be a good thing having a relationship with somebody with the same kind of brain, I think two of our brains would be too much. I have a hard time dealing with my brain sometimes so I am not necessarily looking to add another one to my life. We are both debaters and argumentative (in a fun, sportful kind of way) and spend a lot of time analyzing situations and people. That screams chaos for a relationship. I didn't have any reason to think that I wouldn't enjoy any future time I spent with him, but I didn't see any cohesion to the time that we would have spent together. I couldn't see a solid relationship with him.

Ultimately, I probably would have been happy giving it more time to see where it could have gone but he was putting a little pressure on me to make a decision. He didn't understand how I could still be hestitating after three dates with him; that should have been more than enough time to know if I wanted things to continue with him. He is completely against the idea of men and women being friends so as soon as he made that clear I felt like it had to be all or nothing. Attraction and dating isn't that clear cut to me. JT and I started out as friends with crushes on each other and we just took things slow and steady. I think if he gave me a couple more dates I probably would have started to ignore my gut feeling and just gone with the flow. I think I could have become very attracted to him if he gave me a little bit more time. Since he didn't, I felt like I had to make a decision and my decision was to walk away.

He has since contacted me saying the door is still open for me in case I change my mind. He is drawn to me in some way and quite honestly I haven't quite been able to shake him from my mind. At this point though I still feel pressure. Like if I reach out to him again then that means we're moving full steam ahead and I am not sure about that still. Even though I could have gotten past my hesitations and ignored my gut, my gut is always right. But there isn't any harm in dating somebody as long as you know going into it that it probably won't last. It could have been a fun experience and a distraction while I continue looking for somebody I could be more serious about. But I just don't do well with pressure. I guess this made me learn that I run from a situation if I am being pressured into it.

I still haven't completely ruled out the idea of seeing him again though. Normally when I end things with somebody it's a relief that I don't have to deal with them anymore. I'm not feeling relieved this time. The idea is still kind of haunting me a little bit and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I do know if I go down that path though it won't go anywhere and there is potential fo me to get hurt. I guess I am just feeling unsettled with my decision because I don't know if I just chickened out because I'm afraid of dealing with hurt again. I haven't decided yet if I was being smart or just a scaredy-cat.

I am also nagged by my own self-doubt about my potential to find the right person. This was a guy who was completely attracted to all of my qualities that men often find intimidating. I am extremely independent...to the point that it scares a lot of men. They end up thinking that I don't need them. This guy loved this about me. But I am seeing a pattern that this ends up attracting emotionally unavailable men. They see my independence as meaning that I will be OK without having a serious commitment which just isn't true. Even though I don't NEED a relationship or a man in my life, it doesn't mean that I don't want it and that I'm not looking to share my life with somebody. I don't know how to find that balance so I can attract the right guy for me.