What the...?

My summer dating spree has been going full force. And naturally, that means more unexplained behavior and new experiences.

A couple of weeks ago I was very excited about the prospect of a new guy. His emails were witty and he was very good looking. There seemed to be some potential. We talked about grabbing drinks on a Monday night. Sunday evening he calls me for the first time...all prior communication had been done through email. I was out so he left me a voicemail. He was saying that a work thing came up for Monday but he might be able to get out of it and if not then we should pick another night that week. It seemed like a legitimate excuse and that he really wanted to still get together. I called him back and left a message saying that I was free one night later that week. Then I never heard from him.

::::crickets::::

The next couples of nights I noticed that he continued to log into Match but he wasn't communicating with me. Finally by Wednesday he said that he suddenly got really busy with work and he wasn't going to be able to get together and he hopes I had a good weekend. Um...ok. I know that I don't know what's going on in a total strangers life and there could be plenty of reasons he changed his mind but still had time to log onto Match and look for new people. But the only explanation I can see from my perspective is he had a problem with my voice or he didn't like the message that I left him. I suppose I have a unique voice but it's not that bad. I've actually been told my voice sounds like Gwyneth Paltrow. Nice, right? But that was the only new information that he received about me between planning the date and then suddenly running away.

Obviously I'll never know what was actually going through his head, but this is just another example of how I can't take it personally. We can't help what we're attracted to and what turns us on and off. It made me feel like I really did truly learn this lesson about dating and I'm confident enough that I can just brush it off. Several months ago I would have been completely pissed off or offended. Now I honestly don't care and know that it wasn't meant to be.

Next!

Thanks But No Thanks

I got another text message from the Aviator. He said he was feeling better and how about we get together next week? Um, did you have the plague? I went out with you a month ago. I told him I was busy. If I've learned anything from this entire process of dating is that a flakey personality like that will only end up pissing me off. I don't understand the benefit of stringing somebody along. If he liked me enough to see me again, why doesn't he want to see me sooner rather than later? You really can't be that into me if you are fine going a month before having our second date.

He was a Scorpio. Scorpios are known to string people along for as long as they need to. I don't think I'll be going out with anymore Scorpios anytime soon.

From Russia with Love

I just had an intense few dates with a man from Russia. We went out 3 times in 5 days. I don't know if it was a coincidence or if it's because we are both Geminis but I felt like our brains worked the same way. The conversation never got too personal but we talked a lot about people, religion, politics, and just our world-views in general. Even though we didn't necessarily have the same personalities I could tell during our conversations that we had a lot of the same thoughts. It was a very unique experience to go through and because of that I really enjoyed talking with him.

I was getting a very strong gut feeling though that things wouldn't work out between us. He didn't seem like the kind of guy that was looking for a commitment. Plus even though it's fun having a conversation with somebody very much like myself, and sometimes it can be a good thing having a relationship with somebody with the same kind of brain, I think two of our brains would be too much. I have a hard time dealing with my brain sometimes so I am not necessarily looking to add another one to my life. We are both debaters and argumentative (in a fun, sportful kind of way) and spend a lot of time analyzing situations and people. That screams chaos for a relationship. I didn't have any reason to think that I wouldn't enjoy any future time I spent with him, but I didn't see any cohesion to the time that we would have spent together. I couldn't see a solid relationship with him.

Ultimately, I probably would have been happy giving it more time to see where it could have gone but he was putting a little pressure on me to make a decision. He didn't understand how I could still be hestitating after three dates with him; that should have been more than enough time to know if I wanted things to continue with him. He is completely against the idea of men and women being friends so as soon as he made that clear I felt like it had to be all or nothing. Attraction and dating isn't that clear cut to me. JT and I started out as friends with crushes on each other and we just took things slow and steady. I think if he gave me a couple more dates I probably would have started to ignore my gut feeling and just gone with the flow. I think I could have become very attracted to him if he gave me a little bit more time. Since he didn't, I felt like I had to make a decision and my decision was to walk away.

He has since contacted me saying the door is still open for me in case I change my mind. He is drawn to me in some way and quite honestly I haven't quite been able to shake him from my mind. At this point though I still feel pressure. Like if I reach out to him again then that means we're moving full steam ahead and I am not sure about that still. Even though I could have gotten past my hesitations and ignored my gut, my gut is always right. But there isn't any harm in dating somebody as long as you know going into it that it probably won't last. It could have been a fun experience and a distraction while I continue looking for somebody I could be more serious about. But I just don't do well with pressure. I guess this made me learn that I run from a situation if I am being pressured into it.

I still haven't completely ruled out the idea of seeing him again though. Normally when I end things with somebody it's a relief that I don't have to deal with them anymore. I'm not feeling relieved this time. The idea is still kind of haunting me a little bit and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I do know if I go down that path though it won't go anywhere and there is potential fo me to get hurt. I guess I am just feeling unsettled with my decision because I don't know if I just chickened out because I'm afraid of dealing with hurt again. I haven't decided yet if I was being smart or just a scaredy-cat.

I am also nagged by my own self-doubt about my potential to find the right person. This was a guy who was completely attracted to all of my qualities that men often find intimidating. I am extremely independent...to the point that it scares a lot of men. They end up thinking that I don't need them. This guy loved this about me. But I am seeing a pattern that this ends up attracting emotionally unavailable men. They see my independence as meaning that I will be OK without having a serious commitment which just isn't true. Even though I don't NEED a relationship or a man in my life, it doesn't mean that I don't want it and that I'm not looking to share my life with somebody. I don't know how to find that balance so I can attract the right guy for me.

Always a bridesmaid...

I know three people who have gotten engaged in this past week alone. Not that I'm keeping score or anything, but a steady stream of Facebook relationship status updates is enough to make me reflect on why other people are finding their partners and I'm not even close. It seems like I'm finally reaching that age where people are getting engaged and settling down a little bit. Prior to this point it seemed like we were all still too young and if I knew somebody getting married at my age it was probably doomed from the start. Now it's just normal.

So I will keep the numbers of dates I've been on directly proportional to the number of friends I have getting engaged. Three friends just got engaged and I've been on 3 dates within that same amount of time. I have another date tonight...so who's next to pop the question?

On the Wings of Love

So the dating continues...

 Match.com has been fruitful in giving me plenty of guys to talk to and to arrange dates. A couple of weekends ago I went out with a guy who is a pilot; We'll call him Aviator. We met for coffee for a couple of hours. Overall it was a nice first date. The conversation was flowing smoothly, he complimented my eyes and my smile, and overall seemed interested and intrigued. He was a very nice guy and seemed laid back, polite, and good looking.

I left the date feeling like it was a nice neutral first date. I wasn't instantly crazy about him (which I think is good because that seems to backfire for me when I feel that way so soon) but I wasn't annoyed or turned off by him. I was genuinely interested in seeing him again. The date ended by him saying he'd like to hang out again and suggested getting drinks one night in the upcoming week. I said that sounded great and we headed off on our separate ways.

When I got home he texted me that he felt like an idiot for not ending the date better. He felt like he should have walked me to my car and given me a hug but he felt like he was never any good at ending dates. I assured him it was fine, first dates are always awkward and nobody ever knows how to end them properly. He thanked me for being so nice about it and said he would be in touch about drinks.

I didn't hear from him until Thursday when he texted me saying he had been sick and he apologized for being MIA. How did drinks the following week sound instead? I told him that would be fine. Today is Monday and this would be the week that we would get together. I haven't heard from him and my cynical approach I now have towards dating is assuming I won't hear from him. If I do...great. If not...no big deal.

If I have learned anything from all my dating escapades the last couple of years is to expect nothing and then just end up being pleasantly surprised. I don't want to be cynical and harsh about it but I feel that is the only approach I can take at this point. I have bee disappointed a lot and when it comes to online dating I don't think it's fair to have expectations for complete and total strangers. Until I get a chance to get to know somebody and see them a few times, I can't expect anything. So all I can do is let him know that I would be interested in seeing him again and then keep on looking. He doesn't owe me anything at this point.

Am I being cynical or am I just being realistic?

Dexter the Texter

Several months ago my mom began gushing about a vendor she met through her work. She would rave to me about how good looking he is (for me...not for herself). I was still dating Reality Steve when she first mentioned him so I didn't think much of it. Shortly after things ended with R.S. he came into my mom's store again and my mom started digging to see if he was married, dating somebody, had children, etc. He was single and expressed interest in meeting me.

He reached out to me on Facebook and we exchanged emails for a few days. My mom was right...he is super hot. He is completely my type - rugged and masculine. My eye always goes to this type of guy but I've never actually dated "my type." I date cute boys, not hot ones. I was kind of excited at the prospect.

We live an hour away from each other so it was a couple of weeks before we could actually meet up. He was just as good looking in person, but on top of it seemed like a really nice guy and had a great sense of humor. We hung out for a few hours and it felt comfortable. The date ended on an awkward note though because while he was expressing interest in seeing me again he said this was really bad timing on his part. He was about to start working 6 days a week for the summer and he was anticipating that he wouldn't have any time to head up to my neck of the woods to see me and put in the effort to start something up. He didn't completely rule out the idea though. I left the date thinking...whatever, if I see him, I see him. If he was looking for an out that would have been it and I'll just wait and see if I hear from him again. Immediately after the date he texted me. From that point on, I have heard from him every single day for two months. But only through text message. We've talked about everything from our backgrounds to how our days are going to full on flirting...through text message.

I was going to be near his town for 4th of July weekend. I told him I would be around. I understood if he wouldn't have time but if he was bored give me a call. He said he'd let me know. I then of course proceeded to get texts from him all weekend, but nothing suggesting that we actually get together. I realized he just wasn't interested and he was probably lonely and/or bored and that's why he enjoyed texting but he didn't want it to be anything real. I saw it for what it was and continued to respond to his texts just as a friend, with the understanding that I probably wouldn't ever see him again but it was entertaining.

One night when he was out and had a couple of drinks he started texting me about how this is such a bad time in his life but he really likes me and thinks I'm great and he wishes we lived closer together so he could have been hanging out with me that night instead of his friends. I told him that I had no idea he felt like that. He responded basically saying, why else would he contact me so much if he wasn't interested in me? I still continue to hear from him everyday but there is no talk of us ever seeing each other, even though he continually hits on me and tells me he finds me attractive. I don't know what he wants from me...but I do know I'm not going to wait around or bug him to find out. He knows where to find me. The whole situation is very bizarre but in some strange way I kind of feel like I've made a really good friend out of it. If I do ever see him again I will already know so much about him and we've bonded over several things. I guess this is what it feels like to have a pen pal.

In the meantime the dating game continues...

Doggone it

So I kind of fell into a side career as a dog walker. I never signed up for it...it just kind of happened. I love dogs so when I moved into my current apartment a couple of years ago my landlords agreed to lower my rent if I walked their dogs a few nights a week. I then had a friend who was heading out of the country for a few weeks and wanted somebody to stay at her house to watch her two dogs. From there it became completely referral based and at one point I was up to 5 clients that needed me whenever they were on vacation.

I had one client that my landlady referred me to. We met in person once but talked on the phone whenever I had to check in with her while I was watching her dog or when she needed to book me for an upcoming weekend. Out of the blue she asked me if I was single and if I would be interested in being set up. Sure enough the set up happened. For reasons too complicated (and quite frankly boring) to explain here, my mom now refers to him as "Reality Steve" so I think it should stick.

Reality Steve and I hit it off right away. We had a great first date. We have similar senses of humor and I thought he was a very funny guy. He was cute...not necessarily my type; but he was definitely a good looking guy. More than anything I loved his sense of humor. I was really impressed that a woman who only met me once could set me  up with somebody that I clicked with. Reality Steve and I dated for two months. Looking back it now seems like a whirlwind. He was full speed ahead most of the time and would randomly slam on the breaks on occasion. He would make jokes about us getting married, make comments about how he could arrange through work to be able to move to my favorite city in the world, and make overall comments about us being together in the future. But he still gave off a vibe of not quite being sure what he wanted. His mixed signals left me feeling paralyzed and neutral. I couldn't get excited about the thought of a future with him when I was still getting signals every once in a while that he wasn't sure. I couldn't totally rule him out and think he wasn't ready because he was showing signs of being very interested. The highs and lows canceled each other out, leaving me feeling something in the middle.

The last week and a half that we were dating he drastically pulled back. Finally one night he called and he said something didn't feel right and he didn't think it would work out. I was honestly pretty pissed. I didn't feel like he gave me a chance. I never felt like I had a chance to let my guard down with the mixed emotions I was feeling. It left me feeling like maybe I did something wrong or I didn't try enough or show him the real me. That's not a good feeling to have after dating somebody. In hind sight, there was something that was slightly off. I really liked his company and again, he made me laugh more than anybody else I'd ever met. But I think we were both having a hard time reading each other and something was missing. It was close...but not entirely right.

After he dumped me we said we wanted to remain friends. We talked a couple of times and only after we broke up did I find out that he was engaged to his ex-girlfriend for all of one week. He proposed and broke it off a week later. That happened pretty much exactly one year before us dating. He blamed his last relationship on him not completely being ready. Finding out what happened I thought he sounded confused and not sure what he wanted and his ups and downs made sense to me. I think he probably feels like he should be settling down and getting married (he is 35 if his age is relevant to this story), but deep down he didn't really feel ready for it.

Lo and behold I heard from him a few weeks later telling me that he started dating somebody and he didn't think a friendship would be possible between us. He considered me a friend and wanted to be on friendly terms, but it wouldn't be possible for us to hang out. He didn't want to have to explain to his new girlfriend that he was hanging out with the last girl he dated. I understood. I also was pretty peeved that I fell for his whole "Oh I'm just not ready" charade. But, overall I was over it. I basically was his rebound girl and that's a tough spot to be in. Even though I tried to avoid it and thought it had been enough time since his ex, I didn't know enough of the details and I ended up falling into that trap. The rebound girl never has a fair chance.

My story of Reality Steve finally came to an end a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't talked to him in about 6 weeks - since he told me about his new girlfriend. He emailed me to say hi and ask how I was doing and to casually mention unenthusiastically that his girlfriend was moving in with him. 1.) They've been dating for two months, tops. 2.) Why the hell did you email me to tell me that???? I was left feeling like he had something to rub in my face. It almost seemed like I was the one that dumped him. You don't dump a girl and then email her out of the blue when you ask your new girlfriend to move in with you. I replied telling him I was great and I was very happy (which is true) and told him I was dating somebody (which is slightly true...I'm dating...just nobody in particular). I also made sure to tell him about a photo shoot I was asked to take part in for a fall fashion edition of a local magazine. His response:

"Classic luck on my part. As soon as I stop dating a girl she ups and launches a career as a fashion model."

You better believe it, Reality Steve.